Note: This piece was written years ago as a joke. It was written well before Crosby’s 2010-2011 injury season and is in no way factual. It’s a joke, folks.

In a stunning bit of sports news, young NHL star Sidney Crosby has announced that he will be retiring from hockey to pursue other ventures. Crosby has quickly risen to fame by making a splash in the NHL with his talented play, Stanley Cup victory with the Pittsburgh Penguins, and most recently his Gold Medal winning goal at the Vancouver Olympics.

Crosby apparently came to the decision after reading a healthy amount of press material from his native Canada as well as his team’s hometown of Pittsburgh, and concluding that he had already amassed more than a strong enough resume to be put into the Hall of Fame. In his word, “it became obvious that it was time to move on and let some of the youngsters have their day in the spotlight.”

“I came into this league with one goal: to be the best and to stay the best. After being drafted, I was quickly elevated to the status of best hockey player ever by the Canadian press and soon after, the Pittsburgh media began to agree. After winning a Stanley Cup and Gold Medal, it became obvious that I was a shoe in for the hall of fame. They already had my folks’ old dryer in there that I used to throw pucks at. So, you know, it was like time to make the tough call and do what was right and let someone else take a shot. I’ve done everything I can for the sport, I’ve reached the top and I’ve given a lot of good years to it. Its time to step into the future.”

Reaction to Crosby’s decision is mixed. In his native country of Canada, mass suicides have been reported. Canada’s Prime Minister has declared a national day of mourning and hockey scouts everywhere are already looking for the next Sidney Crosby in various preschools and nurseries across the provinces.

Reaction has only been marginally better in Pittsburgh. Teammate Marc Andre-Fleury responded to the news: “Ya, we’ll miss his talent for sure, and you got to respect his decision, ya know? But we’ll stay strong and we have a lot of good talent and depth, and the front office, ya know, is good at doing what they do, so we’ll move on.” Fellow power play linemate and star forward Evgeni Malkin said, “Yeah, we just, you know, put puck in net, and we do this and you win game, you know, so we do this.”

Penguins fans were located mostly in various bars and pubs in the city. One local fan had this to say: “Yinz just don’t know how long yinz can hold onto the bright ones n’at. He’ll be missed, but he’s earned this. He’s earned this.”

Reaction from around the league was considerably different. Star hockey player Alex Ovechkin, perhaps Crosby’s biggest rival, had some choice words. “Yeah, he can retire, not my problem. I show more respect for this game than that, but I don’t care what he do. In Russia, hockey retire from you. You don’t quit hockey, hockey quit you. I don’t care about whiny baby Crosby, he do what he do.” Outside the Verizon center, where Ovechkin and his team were moments away from playing the their first game back after the Olympic break, Capitals fans burned Crosby in effigy and partied.

Sports fans in other major cities, when asked about their thoughts on Crosby’s retirement, mostly responded, “who?”

When pressed for his future plans, Crosby was vague. “Well, you know, its a matter of just determining what I’m good at and focusing on that and then finding the problems and fixing them, so it’ll be a slow process, but I’m dedicated to it and I just have to keep my head down and keep working until I see results.” Crosby’s retirement comes before the NHL’s return to regular season play.